Daily mantra of mine

‘I am okay’, ‘I am fine’, ‘I am doing great’, ‘I am good’.

How many times have you heard this response from me? Anyone who knows me in person would say quite a lot. I’d like to count how many times exactly I say it for once.

It’s like a mantra now.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine”

Like a magic spell. The one I want to happen, to become real. Maybe someday I will be convicted of witchcraft, but it doesn’t matter for now. As long as it works.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine”

One more time to make sure you received my response. The polite question so is the answer. Everything to please and not to worry the total stranger, teacher, best friend. Anyone. Stay calm and do not worry about me.

Another round of “I’m fine” in order to make myself believe that everything IS fine, but I’m failing the task. Completely messed it up. Everything.

Fortunately, there are some days, when I am convinced I am okay. But those days pass. And every time, after the ‘happy phase‘ comes complete devastation and lack of wish to live.

I wake up and feel empty. Like someone sucked the soul out of me, the life, the motivation. I cannot move, I do not want to eat and drink. There are a lot of thoughts in my head; the chaos makes me suffer even more. I don’t want to breathe. I don’t need anything.

The feelings you cannot explain, you cannot delete, you cannot undo.

Like a big black hole that tears you apart and sucks you into another dimension – the dimension of total wastefulness and hate, anger, and sadness.

I am one of those who likes to hide it all but when the time has come it’s like an abruption of the volcano, a supervolcano of emotions. It will destroy everything on their way, it would not be merciful.

So if you want to ask me the real question, do not ask ‘How are you?’ because you would receive the same response as usual. You just need to hug me and tell that everything will be great, fantastic; tell me that I do not need to give up.

Sometimes I feel like I want to. Sometimes I do it and try to push the reset button to start again. The thing is: I do it all the time because it hurts so much.

They say it’s okay to have problems, but till what extent is it?